Better When Were Together

“I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time”

-Jack London

Confusion

I'm stuck in this place, Wanting to move and unleash my wing span and fly away but, i have these little things that keep saying stay or else you'll lose except I think I wont lose. I think i'll win i'm just scared, I'm scared but, if it was right wouldn't i be happier just staying?? -- We all ask our selves this when want to just settle for a little bit less then what we wanted.

I miss my life with my friends and quiet nights of riding my bike over or sitting with a friend in the middle of nowhere looking at the stars smoking cigarettes and figuring out life's big questions together and laughing uncontrollably. Although even with that life i was lonely but, i knew it and i had those moments of happiness. they happen'd it wasn't what i wanted at the time but, now looking back i'd probably sell my soul to watch it all in a movie one more time.

My life hasn't begun and I feel as if it has ended. Well i'm living life right now & now but, I mean my dreams? seems so far out of the question that they are almost non-existent. where am with out my friends & family? or how about where are you with out your friends and family? Where are you without your hobbies, likes and dislikes. What if you felt you couldn't do ether or no one encouraged you to do them. You'd be a lost person.. no longer living for one self and ultimately your life is meant for you. So I ask myself? Is it worth it? or is there a purpose as to why i feel i must continue on this path? and WHY IN THE HELL IS IT SO HARD TO JUST LET IT GO?

Maybe it's because i'm alone? and don't have anyone but really this is a pattern i'm beginning to see, My unhappiness it follows me. Pick a new a life and start fresh.. "ooo" "ahh".. oh no here it comes now the water works, the pain and the constant roller coaster of questions of why me? what now? God oh God take this away?

But, oh wait!!! i'm having an epiphany!

Maybe if I just accepted myself and allowed myself to like and dislike and be who i am and work for myself and did things i liked to do? instead trying to be something i'm not.... Realization of something so simply said but so BLEEPING hard. or maybe.. i'm just meant to be an actor since i'm constantly playing pretend. Well, If i have lost you? :| then i have also lost myself. So i'll leave you on that note.

Your's Truly

Ella mentry

Thank You- Because I seem to forget

As written in my "Wish & Thanks - book"

Wow, thank you Universe for everything that's been coming my way -

My Companion He's been a blessing, a teacher, a supporter, pick me upper and every other label that I can't think of right now.

For My puppy because well in a previous "Wish letter" I had asked for one (which i completely forgot about might I add) Bazgim ( my puppy) Has been my little anti-depressant his big brown eyes melt my heart every time I look into them, and he is full of energy and love. He drives me to make money and to keep going for his life depends on my life, Get's me going every morning So thank you for creating him and allowing him to be put into my life.

I can't believe i'm saying this but thank you for the education the learning that I've received in ALL of my life even the wisdom that's come from within that knowledge that i was born with thank you for all of it.

For Every beautiful and amazing little or small opportunity that has come my way which has been many many many. All these opportunities that you allow come my way makes me realize that you do indeed want me to do something spectacular.

Now for some insight.

I've realized that life is not always about the material things. I've come to this conclusion because Through out my Wish & thanks book I usually wish for material items, Although they are nice and make me happy for the moment. I know that it's the opposite of what made me happy.

It's been the people and experiences that have made my life so far SO great and SO precious and boy the characters that are in this production are Fabulous!

Everyone of those moments, people and experiences give me a reason to be so indebt of thanks to the creator/universe/messiah I can't express my gratitude! to the full potential! But here I am share with the world my thanks.

I've just recently moved to a new city, well in September i've been so busy busy with "living my life" I don't really know what that includes! probably.. not very much. But! I can start of with explaining a bit of what i've been up to here in a hick town bigger then home.

Well, when i first moved here I argued with a principal of their secondary school told him i'd get 7 credits in one semester ha-ha !! I was so persuasive and firm I thought i almost should be a lawyer. So he allowed me to attend this ALTERNATIVE EDUCATION SCHOOL that is a branch off of the regular high-school. I started full of energy and ready to get work done.. It eventually wared off and things got slowwwwww...

but, Still going of-course.

I became youth ambassador some how? I don't know it must be my personality!!! because they all fell in-love with me or the idea of what I could be because my ugh awesome good-looks ha-ha Just kidding.

My ability to talk to anyone, anywhere anyhow as well as my ability to speak on behalf of youth as youth to big time people as if i were just a big as them! kinda like a small 3 pound dog barking at 60 pound dog not knowing he's only 3 pounds.

They decided to make the youth board rep on the friendship center board, I've been attending this center since September you think they'd APPOINT a youth who has been there longer. They've taking me to breakfast's with the mayor, Sent me to youth conferences in Toronto. Made me apart of liaison for beautifying the downtown of this town.

If i read this I would think that this youth was born and raised here but it's quiet the opposite. I thought wow If i can come here be here 6 months and make an impact like i have then, What can i do when i put my mind, heart and determination into it? Not that I haven't but maybe more so.

A couple of days ago i have done half a credit, I was in a chef training program at the college here and it was great but i had to withdraw because of my reasons. Wasn't the right time but i said loud and clear to everyone that i trust the creator because me and him we set my path because i came into this world so any decision i make it's already written ;) Then this opportunity came along! Thank GOD! That aloud me to take my past experiences work and volunteer hours to retain credits guess how many credits I got?

that's right 7 funny how that works eh? I'd like to see the face of the principal when he sees that.

But, I take no credit for this but thank the creator for he does everything for me, He helps me in every way. So maybe trusting is all one has to do. keeping a positive attitude, your values straight! Giving when you can give! :)

So thanks for reading and sending me positive thoughts!

My bazgim is waiting to go for a walk So I have to leave

on that note :)

Ella Mentry

"One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure" - William Feather

So She Said She Was Back

But for how long we all ask ourselves?

Well I'm sitting in my living room / dining room in a new city. Who knew? not you. Okay it's not messy but it could be considered messy ( just saying). I Guess you can say i have some inspiration from within, it's like a roaring - Clawing on a wall to get out.

Is it a new attitude? is it a new era in Ella's life.( And if you don't already know Ella's me) A new fucking phase has erupted. I feel like rocking out a metal concert (ha-ha) I just had a visual - Me trying record every detail while rocking out. Okay never mind I don't want to rock but, I do want to rock your world.

Ah who are we.. ugh Who am I kidding I just got inspiration. INSPIRATION -An agency, such as a person or work of art, that moves the intellect or emotions or prompts action or invention. I feel like inventing and letting a little piece of me leak out of me and into you!

Anyways! I'm sitting here in my living room / dining room on my Broken laptop desperately trying to write and praying to the Gods .. God. That my computer doesn't over heat. I'm sitting in a cheap ugly gold and pink chair in my underwear. Yes i said it in my underwear Hey,hey now I don't question you and what you do on your spare time. This just happens to be comfortable. Of course I'm wearing a t-shirt how fucking rock star-ish of me. ( ha ha ) Not that rock star ish I guess.

Seriously though, I feel like that song by Eminem should be playing - Just Lose it - and it would go like this:

Okay..
Guess who's back... back again
Ella's back, tell a friend
Now everyone report to the Blog spot
To the blog spot, to the blog spot
Now everyone report to the blog spot
Alright stop... adjust your glasses.

mm, That didn't work out the way I thought it would but you get the idea. I'm back with a brand new act? rap? Lately, I've just had this feeling of adventure tugging at my inner most being. It's like -- Is life now what I want? Fuck no.Are you happy with just this? Fuck no.Wait! wait! the most important question Does your life feel full? Fuck no.

If you answered "Fuck no" to any of the above question you may feel just as I do. So together we can take a step back and really understand why we have these emotions and why we cant just be happy with the mediocre lives we set out for ourselves. We can dream up the world and maybe if were lucky we'll venture out and experience the wildness this world has to offer.

Today I did something to accomplish my goal, I went to a travel agency and grabbed a bunch of brochure's to look at and to get some idea's of some trips I may go on very soon. I took the lady's card, She looked at me like "Your a regular Ole person" and I felt like being like "You don't know me" So when she looked at me like I was just another human being I felt offended. I don't want to be just anyone I wanna be someone you wanna know because I have something important to say with that being said! I'm not going to be that person unless I become more "Worldly" So what better thing to do then experience the world and develop my own understanding and perspective on the Almighty question's What is life? and why are we here?

Your's truly, Ella Mentry